April 15th, 2026

Mama,

     I can't write you a letter anymore.  I can't call you on the phone anymore, like I should have done so much more often.  I talk to you and even scream and cry your name, but I just have to make up the responses in my head.  I scream and cry for you so hard, I literally can't breathe.  Just like i did as a kid.  I'm writing you here because i figure there is a chance you are scrolling your ipad in the sky.  The strokes have made me so mad.  If anyone can understand it's you.  Thank you for giving me a life.  I doubt either of us expected our lives to turn out like they did, but I assume you think like me and you weren't exactly shocked by the outcomes.  I never really got to say goodbye to you.  To my knowledge basically no one knew you were dying.  If i know you, you didn't want anyone to worry about you.

     You always said we would miss you when you were gone.  I think you even underestimated how right you would be.  To say we have all been lost without you is another understatement.  You gave your life to others.  Every time I post anything about you, it's just an instant flood of comments and reactions.  And I know this is only a fraction of the people you touched.

     You are the only reason i believe in a God.  I sincerely hope there is an afterlife.  Although that would probably mean you are up there still waiting on Dad, hand and foot.  With that said, that means you are probably still scrolling Facebook, keeping him up-to-date on what's going on.  When I set up your Facebook i made sure you would not see my stuff.  It's all public now and I'm pinning this to the top of my profile, hoping someone will show you when they get there.  You are also going to get a page on my website.  I'll put a direct link in the comments and i promise to keep you up to date on there.

     I blocked a bunch of people and deleted their numbers recently.  This included Jank and Brett.  Mama, I told you, I just have so much anger in me now.  Not that I've ever been calm, but now the anger overflows so easily.  I get overwhelmed so easily.  And I have so much life ahead of me, theoretically.  I don't want ANYONE to feel like they have to put up with me.  But you entered my dreams last night and I've been crying since I woke.  I promise to undo as much damage as I can.

     I am sorry Mama, I am sorry, I am Sorry!  I am sorry for every time I fell short as a son.  I am sorry for all the shitty stuff I did.  I am sorry for how I pushed you away, so hard at times.  You know I have abandonment issues.  You were the one who would not leave me no matter how hard I pushed.  And now you are gone and I feel so alone.  I would give anything for just 5 more minutes with you.  But it would never be enough, so hopefully we will be together again.  My heart hurts so much without you.  I Love You Forever and Always!!!

Your Child,
Scott